weeper?

I am not sure exactly what is going on wtih me lately . . . I have been reading quite a bit in the Bible and enjoying it ... enjoying specifcally the things about God that I am learning.

I also have been pretty sad over my own sin and state of being --- specifically, how far away from God I am, even after all these years of being in a relationship with Him. There were a couple of times this last week where I felt convicted over my state of being. To the point of wanting to cry. Not that I have full blown crying, but I am just glad no one saw me.

I also have been almost tearing up over the thought of how magnificent God really is. God the creator, redeemer, sustainer, life-giver, forgiver, lover, relater . . . and on and on. There is no flipping way that I even deserve any kind of blessing or even a glance my way from Him, let a lone a relationship with Him! WHY!?!?! Why me!? I am starting to tear up a little right now.

One thing I have been convicted of is my pride. To the point, how I am just about sure a lot of the things I have done (and still do) in my life is based out of my pride. Since that word is such a general term, let me define it. Pride: the act or state of mind of thinking I am good, leading specifically to trying to get others to think that I am good. There is nothing wrong with morality, BUT if I only am trying to be moral to be looked at favorably, then I am sinning. It is wrong of me to think that being good is good. Sounds weird huh? Especially coming from someone who was in the ministry for quite some time. What I mean though is that unless my goal is God in my thoughts and actions, then I truly don't fully glorify God.

Being good is a by product of living for God and making Him known to others. Now I do believe that there are ways that we simply live and still glorify God, but I am not foolish enough to think that I can live the life all the time. John says in 1 John that if "anyone claims to be without sin, he is a liar and the truth is not in him" Yikes!

God, I am not sure what You are doing with me, but thank you. I trust in You, to shape me. Help my unbelief and pride.