Money
Immediately in my head pops the theme song for "The apprentice" . . . money money money money . . .
I never thought of how fundamental money is in a persons life. ESPECIALLY when you have a family. I find my self in a job that is fairly decent, but looking for a job with more money. I find myself thinking way too much about the inticracies of our family budget and wondering where the dollars will go and how can I switch them around so that we pay the rights ones in time for the next paycheck to come. I used to have a job I loved and didn't mind (as much) about the money. Now I am in a job purely for the money. I know I can do the job well, my on the job stats show that. But I am also doing so much overtime it is starting to wear on me. I don't mind it as I know I am providing for my family. But I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND how when I finally get more money, or my wife brings in more. It goes away. It never seems to be enough. I used to think "what a cliche that is". But it is part of our reality. I think I am coming to the understanding that no matter how much money I make, God will allow our circumstances (or person financial sin) to be in tension.
Tension is one of those things that when we feel it, we want to get rid of it. We do stupid things in doing so. I am reminded of this tension while playing chess. Setting up the pieces around the center squares so that each piece has a back up, and the back-ups have back-ups. No piece has been captured yet, but man the tension mounts and rises until finally ... someone makes the first move.
What would the purpose of financial tension be in my life? I think to cause that uneasy evaluation of my life to see if it is truly in line with God. I believe I could make a 'bajillion' dollars and still be in tension financially. ... but why? I think because the money is not mine and I am being held accountable for it to the Owner.
I wrote a prayer in my journal my wife got me recently, I believe one of the things I said was "God forgive me for being financially stupid. Please somehow help my financial sin not be a drain on the family." I really mean that. ... and God seems to make it happen. Tension remains. Down to the last days of the month and SOMEHOW the bills get paid. I just don't get it. It HAS to be God.
God help me.